Muscle Memory
The alarm clock screams in its usual tone, it sounds like it’s almost angry at me for all my sleeping bullshit. I smack the button to make it shut up. Here I am again. A morning where I’m too tired to move. I’ve got a job to go to. I don’t mind though. I’m doing okay for myself. In fact, I’m even feeling a little bit optimistic about my life these days. I can exist. I can stop thinking about what happened. I can try to move on.
I get out of bed and initiate my morning routine. I start by brushing my teeth. I accidentally grab the pink toothbrush before realizing my mistake and opting for the green one. As I look at my tired and dull eyes in the bathroom mirror I realize that I look like hell. I guess that makes sense. I feel like hell physically. But at least I’m having a good day mentally. I haven’t thought those things that pull me into the unending darkness of depression. It’s like I’ve put what happened right out of my mind.
I finish brushing my teeth and make my way over to the shower. I turn it off and get undressed. Once the water temperature is perfect, I hop in. After getting acclimated I look for the shampoo. I find my green bottle of Pert, but not before my eyes rest on the L’Oreal. Man, I keep forgetting to throw that away. I’m not sure I can bring myself to do it yet. I’m not gonna think about it though, this is going to be a good day.
After I get out of the shower, I’m ready for breakfast. I’m not really used to making it for myself. I’d always have it being cooked for me. Bacon, over easy eggs with hot sauce, and toast. My ideal breakfast. I fuck up the over-easy eggs. As I watch the yolk run out of the center and bleed all over the frying pan, I realize that I fucking suck at cooking breakfast. I throw out the eggs and just eat the bacon along with some toast and jelly.
I have to get dressed for work. It’s a whole suit and tie affair, sadly. But it brings the money in, so I’m not too torn up about it. I’m terrible at tying my ties. I always had it done for me up until recently. I end up putting on an old one that was already tied. It has a stain on it, but I’m not sure I care that much. I look in my bedroom mirror. My button up shirt is disheveled. My tie is crooked and my socks aren’t the same color. I definitely don’t care.
I grab my keys off of my dresser and head for the front door of my house. I stop in the kitchen and put some of my dishes in the sink first. It’s only 7:20. I’ll make it on time. I sit down at my kitchen table for a moment to put on my shoes. Uncomfortable bullshit. Way too stiff for me to being wearing to work, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I stand up and walk towards the door. Without thinking about it I turn the heat up in my house right before I leave. I stand there confused. Why did I just do that? Then it all came rushing back. I would always turn the heat up for her before I left. It was the one thing that I did for her in the morning. I sigh. She’s gone and can’t come back. I hunch over again. Today’s gonna be a bad day.
